I don’t want to quit being a full-time mom

As the hot months fly by, all I can think about is “what is going to change come this fall?” I will have a kid in first grade and two in pre-school. What will I do with my time? How am I going to feel about the changes that come along with these new milestones?

I have spent the last seven years being at home, rarely thinking about a career or if I would even want one. After all this time, the degree I received ten years ago will be meaningless in the workforce.

So I have been tossing around the idea of getting my masters; a time consuming and a big commitment. Am I ready for that? I just admitted I would have extra time. I will be lost with all this extra time, so what is the hold up? Why can’t I make the decision and get started?

The first question is, do I really want to get back in the work scene? I don’t know if I’m ready to add the responsibility of a job. I can’t imagine my family not being my only responsibility. Right now if my kids are sick, I take them to the doctor. If they have a field trip, I go with them. I help with homework and can be at the school in minutes, if needed. It’s a lot to weigh in when thinking about taking on a career.

I always wanted to work with kids in some shape or form. Then having kids and being with them everyday, I have been reassured I would enjoy a job in a field that allows me to work with kids. In the last couple months of contemplating getting my masters, I have narrowed down my choices and feel like family counseling is something I would like to pursue. That being said, talk about time consuming.

I go back and forth daily on what I would want to do.

You may ask yourself, why is this such a hard decision? It’s simple really. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up the full time job I already have. I’m a mom full time. It’s what I know. It’s what I love. More than that, I’m struggling with being done adding to my family.

I have three kids, a dog, two cats and a busy husband. What in the world makes me feel this overwhelming desire to want more chaos in my life? I love being pregnant. I love having babies. I’m good at it. I’ve had three successful pregnancies and have three beautiful children to show for it. I did a good job. (OK, maybe my husband played a bit of a role in all of it, too.)

The thing is I can’t convince myself that I’m done with that part of my life. How do you know? My husband knows. He can tell you he is done–three is enough. He loves our kids but he also loves the sleeping-through-the-night and no more diapers. And, he enjoys having me back. No breastfeeding. No “mommy can’t leave this poor, innocent little baby alone.”

We have hit the fun ages where they are still little enough to want to be with us and still old enough to go out and have fun. And we can leave them for a few nights and feel comfortable doing that. Although my husband will assure you that we are done, we have taken no permanent measures to ensure that.

He also has a very successful career. Everything he does in his career is for our family–to provide for us with what we need and want. Maybe that’s why it’s easier for him. Maybe the success in a career he loves makes it easier for him to be happy and content and know we are on the right path.

I’m a planner. Maybe not knowing what this future holds for me personally is the hard part. Yes, a job or career would fill the hours during the day, but I don’t know if it would make me happier or fill any void of caring for a child.

On most days I will tell you I am extremely happy with our family just as we are. But then there are days when I feel like all I want is to be pregnant and be getting ready for a new little one. We have the room. We are financially stable and able to do it. But is it right? (I repeat) How do you know? The first was a no-brainer. The second was planned on schedule. The third was a complete surprise but the biggest blessing ever. Basically I’m waiting for a sign. What do I do?

I try to think about it in a logical way. Can we afford this? Do we have the space and love for another child? Will it make us happier or cause too much stress on our marriage or on our kids?

One of the stranger things I think about is, how will the kids travel with family? Currently, if they go with grandparents they are all crammed in the back seat. Our family doesn’t have vehicles that accommodate four kids. For that matter, one of our cars would no longer be suitable for family outings. Really it’s all so trivial and pointless to worry about.

So what am I going to do? I don’t know. I suppose I will go about my days not really knowing what tomorrow will bring. I’ll enjoy what I have been blessed with. I will continue to rock at being a stay-at-home mom to my three (possibly four) children. And maybe one day I’ll do it all.

[laterpay_subscription_purchase id="5" button_text="Join! Only $5 monthly" button_text_color="#ffffff" ]
[laterpay_subscription_purchase id="4" button_text="Join! $50 the full year" button_text_color="#ffffff" ]

[laterpay_contribution name="Support PULP Storytellers" thank_you="" type="multiple" custom_amount="0" all_amounts="300,500,700,1000,2500" all_revenues="sis,sis,sis,sis,sis" selected_amount="1" dialog_header="Support the Storytellers" dialog_description="support = voice"]