The women we love to fantasy about – Taylor Swift, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan
Self-esteem development is crucial for young girls. With the traditional family deteriorating (thanks, Obama), girls have to look to celebrities for examples on how to handle everything from embarrassing moments at award shows to horrendously public break ups. Thank God for Taylor Swift, whose lyrics speak straight to the hearts of young girls (and boys, surely) everywhere. Her upcoming single, “Girl Power(less),” calls into question the lack of female support to one another after Tina Fey and Amy Poehler mocked her publicly by telling her to stay away from Michael J. Fox’s 23-year old son. An insider close to Swift released this catchy gem of the chorus to the upcoming ballad: “I must’ve been / Cray Cray / to think someone like / Fey Fey / would have my back. / I’m Poehlerized / with teardrops in my eyes. / I promise I won’t see you / in that special place / that special place in Hell.”
Women are but mere vessels, and upon recognition of that fact, Kim skyrocketed to fame and fortune using her vessel, and a famous-enough philanthropic partner, Ray Jay. And face it, nobody can rock maternity leather skinnies like Kim. Aside from reality TV, a clothing line at Sears, and a baby on the way, KK has managed to find the time to invest in the creation of a new product, the “Kim Kam,” that reportedly filters video footage to enhance the curvature of a woman’s bust and hips so as to best showcase the necessary components of her vessalage. Early prototypes on bonobos have proved quite successful, but there is little technological intuition to accurately distinguish the male bonobos from the female bonobos. This oversight could be problematic, since the Board for Anatomical Accuracy Determiners mandates any sexual footage released showcase women as the child-rearing incubators they are.
When it comes to making a name for yourself — especially as a ginger — nobody lives up to YOLO like LiLo. She is the living embodiment of a refusal to quit, wrapped up in a powdery layer of determination. By defying the odds and failing to fit the trope of carrot tops ‘round the globe, Lindsay blazed a whole new trail for awkward misfits in bloom everywhere with her new clothing line, marketed towards achieving the highest level of comfort during mandatory rehabilitation. The matching velour pants and zip-up hoodie are specially lined along the seams to accommodate secret stow-away opiates, hallucinogens, and any pharmaceutical drug imaginable. The line is expected to drop in the coming weeks, and rumor has it the first fifty customers will receive a complimentary baggie of cocaine.
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