Horoscopes for March

What does April have planned for you? Like the horoscopes or have a suggestion — email Rebecca. 

Capricorn 12/22–1/19

This is going to be a crazy month! Say it ain’t so.  Not only do you have Mercury going retrograde let’s throw Saturn into the celestial ring. Yay! This is going to present you with the opportunity to examine your life and trim off the proverbial fat.  Whatever you are encountering on the exterior is a reflection of your interior. Is it time for a cosmic makeover? The Sun, our closest star, is having a big pull on your chart this month.  Don’t be surprised if you catch yourself uttering the phrase, “I’m a loner Dottie, a rebel.”

Aquarius 1/20–2/18

This is going to be a favorable month concerning your work and home life. A long-term Jupiter transit is having a big influence in your chart. Thus allowing you to make lots of progressive steps towards getting what you want. Have you sat down and explored what it is that you really want? So, tell me what you want what you really really want. I’ll tell you what you want what you really really want. If it’s a zigazig I think you need to insert a quarter, and try again. 

Pisces 2/19–3/20

Dear Pisces, this month you are going to be in like Flynn. Figure out what you want and don’t settle for less. Venus is highlighting the celestial dance floor so you may be feeling especially attractive, charming, and witty during this period. Use this time to wear your rose colored spectacles and dance like no one’s watching—but with clothes on…or without them, hell who cares. You’re a maniac, maniac, I sure know.  Just make sure to live like you’ve never lived before. 

Aries 3/21–4/19 

With Mercury and Saturn going retrograde this month pay close attention to your communication and beliefs.  A slippery tongue may get you into a sticky situation, but maybe that’s what you live for. On the other hand, Saturn going retrograde is a perfect time to break the paradigm of self-limiting thoughts and beliefs and create your own. Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. Remember dear Aries, variety is the spice of life.  Are you going to flavor your next delicious dish with table salt or saffron? 

Taurus 4/20—5/20

Are you hungry for adventure and excitement Taurus? Venus and Uranus are trying to liven up the menu of your life. May I suggest a pairing? I recommend ordering an impulsive menu item to seduce those ravenous taste buds into a passionate quest of satisfaction. Saturn is trying to rain on your parade so prepare for this and I D.A.R.E you to, “just say NO.” Say no to the slithering scumbag retrograde Saturn and take the reins of your life and ride into the night! Tally-ho! The good news is that all of this turbulence has you looking pretty foxy.

Gemini 5/21–6/21

The prefix the stars have chosen this month is, re. This is a great time to reevaluate your life and recreate some major renovations. The two retrogrades reoccurring this month remind you to refigure your life out. This is the perfect time to relive, release, and reinvent. Mars is directing a lot of passionate energy into your DNA. Do you feel it? Take your passion, and make it happen. Need more passion? Buy a bottle of wine, a candle, and eat a pizza. 

Cancer 6/22–7/22

Mars is throwing a pity party and you’re invited. Decline the invite, Cancer– I’m sure you have better things to do.Well, I hope you have better things to do because idle hands are the Devil’s tools. But you’re not a tool, you’ve got brains in your shoes, wait err. You’ve got shoes in your brains. Fudge! Shut the front door.  I can’t take this anymore! Retrogrades galore can throw you off your kilter, throw a little glitter on the problem and have some fun with it. 

Leo 7/23–8/22

This is going to be an advantageous month, Leo. Let your inner animal roar so you can be the “mane” attraction. You can do this by putting your feet in the air and your head on the ground. Try this trick and spin it, yeah. Mercury will be retrograde for a good majority of the month so this may cause problems involving communication. If people aren’t hearing you right maybe you should put aluminum foil on your head, this might help clear the signal. 

Virgo 8/23–9/22

If you find yourself angry because the local restaurant was turned into a church blame Saturn & Mercury.  I don’t blame you, not only is food delicious but it’s real. Mercury is riding its tri-annual crimson wave and chocolate can’t save you. Saturn’s proverbial scat is hitting the celestial fan. You want some advice? Run, run far away and don’t ever look back. You want some actual advice? If you’re trapped in an avalanche dig a tiny hole in front of your face and spit. Whichever way the spit falls, dig the other way. You’re welcome. 

Libra 9/23–10/22

This month the planets are throwing you an awesome surprise party and they didn’t invite Saturn. Saturn is going to arrive anyway and spike the punch with tequila–tequila mockingbird, Libra.  With Saturn going retrograde you can throw all of the rules out of the window and recreate your own. This is a wonderful month to practice your mental prowess and explore your creative corridors. Remember, don’t take anything personally. Situations and mindless brain farts may get taken out of context but this is someone else’s problem, not yours. 

Scorpio 10/23–11/21

This will be an excellent month to march to beat of your own drummer. Who is it going to be, Neal Peart or the little drummer boy?  The retrogrades occurring this month don’t affect your chart too harshly. Uranus is running the show, those other two (Mercury & Saturn) are just her little workers. This is a fabulous month to make a clean break with the past and then go play karate in the garage. Kapow! Hiya! Do you wanna do something fun? Do you wanna go to taco bell? 

Sagittarius 11/22–12/21

Watch your mouth this month, Sagittarius. The celestial mother may want to bend you over and wash it out with a Roseanne bar of sudsy soap. The planets are aligning in a way that makes your brain make connections that were previously uncharted. This is allowing your speech to be rich with sarcasm and a wit that no one can appreciate but yourself. The killing moon won’t come too soon and I have a feeling that the truth is never told in the 9-5 hours. Think before you speak and the goddess of love will deliver you a payload of mysterious gifts. 

by Rebecca Vigil

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