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A cause of persistent procrastination: present identity vs future identity

The everlasting conflict between our present and future identities — for our predilection to consistently delay actions that could potentially transform us into powerhouses.

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Like the affluent, secluded uncle who dwells within his palatial beach house named after his first wife (her name was Bettie – or Betsy), the New Year came, motivated us to absorb more alcohol than our pre-frontal cortex would normally allow, psyched us into kissing anything with a stable blood pressure, and then drunkenly staggered into obscurity, not to b…

!– BEGIN THEIA POST SLIDER —

Like the affluent, secluded uncle who dwells within his palatial beach house named after his first wife (her name was Bettie – or Betsy), the New Year came, motivated us to absorb more alcohol than our pre-frontal cortex would normally allow, psyched us into kissing anything with a stable blood pressure, and then drunkenly staggered into obscurity, not to be heard from until next year. Sometime before or during that annual flirt-fest, we made a promise to ourselves – to lose ten pounds of “unsightly” protoplasm, to attend the gym until we have buttocks like Beyoncé or the shoulder-to-hip ratio of Todd the Demigod (my imaginary workout buddy), to quit smoking cigarettes (around the dog). 

Unfortunately for our physique and canine companion, most of us failed to keep our promise, to follow through with our life improving resolution. Hell, some of us even procrastinated to start our resolution for several weeks until the old “Oh, I’ll get to it eventually” excuse became a self-assuring mantra for justified complacency. So now it’s February, already. And we still haven’t done a damn thing to transfer our resolution from an idealistic schematic to a fruitful accomplishment, so with arms akimbo and chin to the stars, I’m compelled to change that. But before we can sketch a logical, realistic plan that will enable us to one-inch-punch a path to sustainable, beneficial habits, it’s imperative that we analyze a possible psychological cause – the everlasting conflict between our present and future identities — for our predilection to consistently delay actions that could potentially transform us into the powerhouse of excellence we wish to be.


The Physiological Side for “Putting Things Off”

There are several factors that contribute to our comfort and repeated engagement with procrastination, such as inefficient time due to working 76+ hours a week, the fear of failing to achieve a goal that we put every grain of effort into (because failure denotes incompetence, and as Americans, we’re not incompetent; we’re minimally exceptional!), and not knowing how or where to actually begin. Vik Nithy, a twenty-year-old entrepreneur and psychology student with a passion for cognitive neuroscience, discovered how, within the structures of the brain, factors such as these generate the negative feelings we associate with acts that are beneficial in the long run yet inconvenient in the moment (i.e. everything that doesn’t deliver instantaneous pleasure-tingles). 

Using myself as a chic, well-proportioned character (my jaw line matches my chiseled belt buckle), let’s imagine, while incorporating Nithy’s research, that I’m a lethargic good-for-nothing (which isn’t that far from the truth) who’d rather experience The Dull Outdoors virtually, on my video game system, than take a redundant step into a forest or hiking trail or Wal-Mart Garden Center – because nature, even when artificial, is dumb, especially when coupled with fatigued breath and back-sweat. However, mostly because of my mother’s concern, I begin to feel that I should force myself to get outside more often, to receive adequate amounts of Vitamin D and work off a bulbous midsection amassed from years of refusing to vacate the couch. So I decide that my New Year’s Resolution will be the vague “go outside more often; hate nature less.”

But every time I think of putting on my hiking shoes and readying my skin to be pierced by chaffing sun rays, I hesitate. Negative thoughts consider the difficulty of the task and the unhappiness it will cause. These assumptions grab my optimism and wrestle it down to the scuffed wooden tile. Within my mind, a bar fight erupts between my limbic system, a part of the brain interconnected with the nucleus accumbens, the pleasure center of the brain, and my pre-frontal cortex, the se…

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APRIL 1: Iceburg’s 17 minute investigation into April Fool’s Day

While April 1 should evoke a mandatory grin followed by a, “By-the-pecs-of-Poseidon, what’s that mega-crap on your shirrr – made ya look,” the scrolls of time tell us there were people who and events that replaced the frivolous, laid-back attitude that April Fools’ Day is celebrated for with the motivation to be forever recognized within the highest echelon of killjoys.

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Humor is to wellbeing as a tightened fist is to a lighthearted crotch-shot: they both leave you breathless, on your knees in a rejuvenating stupor (or in a red-rain of pain!), and eager to contribute to or reciprocate the joke (or low-blow) with giddy enthusiasm. 

With this month being helmed by All Fools’ Day, we’ve never been more accepting of the hys…

!– BEGIN THEIA POST SLIDER —

Humor is to wellbeing as a tightened fist is to a lighthearted crotch-shot: they both leave you breathless, on your knees in a rejuvenating stupor (or in a red-rain of pain!), and eager to contribute to or reciprocate the joke (or low-blow) with giddy enthusiasm. 

With this month being helmed by All Fools’ Day, we’ve never been more accepting of the hysteria that comes with being barraged in the funny bone; regrettably, history doesn’t share our excitement. While April 1 should evoke a mandatory grin followed by a, “By-the-pecs-of-Poseidon, what’s that mega-crap on your shirrr – made ya look,” the scrolls of time tell us there were people who and events that replaced the frivolous, laid-back attitude that April Fools’ Day is celebrated for with the motivation to be forever recognized within the highest echelon of killjoys.

Those people and events include…  

The Pope Who Fooled the French

New Year’s Day was originally on April 1. No, really. Several ancient cultures, like the Romans and the Hindus, marked the now notorious day for practical tomfoolery as the beginning of the year because the date closely aligned with the Vernal Equinox, which is usually around March 20. 

In 1582 Pope Gregory “Me So Fresh” XIII ordered the use of the new calendar. It placed New Year’s in January, and when the change was made, rumor says that many of the French were either unaware of or rebelling against the date change and continued to celebrate New Year’s on April 1. These traditionalists became one of the most rotund butts in the history of jokes, and April Fools’ Day was born. 

The Volcano That Burst Forth (Probably Because It Took Offense to a Joke)

If we’ve learned a single piece of [mis]information from the science portion of our grade school education, it’s that a volcano’s ease to anger is only equaled by its unwillingness to be a comedic punch-line. You’ve at least witnessed parts of the eventful life cycle of a volcano on the Discovery Channel (before reality shows like Rise of the Stink People began oozing their irrelevance over the airwaves); its dome was seemingly sedated, calmly drooling its molten effluence down a thirty-degree grass patch at speeds that an infant in flame-retardant pajama bottoms could out-roll. Unexpectedly, like the quick snap of a sucker punch, the cameraman or the millionaire working pro bono as an expert in lava composition cracked a bad joke at the volcano’s expense, and all hell leaked, boiled, blew, and broke loose. 

This might have been the case on April 1, 1793, when a collapsing lava dome — Mayu-yama from Mount Unzen, an active group of volcanoes on Japan’s Kyushu Island — triggered a landslide that rioted through Shimabara City and belly flopped into the Ariaka Sea, creating a pant-fertilizing megatsunami that reached the titanic heights of 330 ft., which combined with the land slide killed an estimated 15, 000 good humored citizens. 

The man who offended the snoozing goliath with salty humor was never found (or existed), but if he was (or did exist), we’re assuming: (A) he was a white guy (because that’s provocative), and (B) he was a would-be galactic samurai, i.e. the megalomaniacal ancestor of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV (AKA Tom “The Pleasure” Cruise). 

The Novelist Who Sneered at a Royal Suggestion

You don’t tell royalty no, unless, of course, you’re Jane Austen (or a free spirit dying to experience exile). On April 1, 1816, Austen responded to a letter from the Prince Regent regarding a suggestion to write a historic romance by saying, “I could not sit down to write a serious romance under any other motive than to save my lif…

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Local and independent journalism is under threat in the West and you can change that.  With corporate raiders slashing newsrooms across the West, the PULP is one of the "Last Locals" in Colorado to produce original, compelling journalism missing in today's profit hungry world. But that costs money, time and hard work. We don't believe in spamming you with ads that's why we need your help.

For every contribution, we put 100% back into producing original and amazing journalism. That's a promise only a local and independent newsroom can promise. Take heart because you will fuel stories just like this one and the future of journalism.
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Profiles of our beloved supreme leaders – Kim Jong-Un, Paul Ryan and Chris Brown

Three men who want to rule the world and are the truest examples of what a supreme leader should be.

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Kim Jong-Un

At only 30 years old this bright individual is the supreme leader of North Korea. Not only has Kim Jong-Un legalized pizza he has also forced employees at the local gourmet restaurant, McDonalds to serve breakfast until noon. Sure he threatens people with nukes every day, what teenager who plays Call of Duty doesn’t? Kimmy is such an inspirationa…

!– BEGIN THEIA POST SLIDER —

Kim Jong-Un

At only 30 years old this bright individual is the supreme leader of North Korea. Not only has Kim Jong-Un legalized pizza he has also forced employees at the local gourmet restaurant, McDonalds to serve breakfast until noon. Sure he threatens people with nukes every day, what teenager who plays Call of Duty doesn’t? Kimmy is such an inspirational figure to local teens, they can really learn how to be a social success and loved worldwide.  Rumor has it that Kim has sent all local redheads to South Korea so that they can find Seoul—whatever that means. If your bratty little brace faced sweetheart won’t listen, why not pick up a copy of Kim’s new book, “The Nukes of Hazzard.”


Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan looks like a model straight off a package of Hanes boxer briefs—the look every politician strives for. Who cares if he has just graduated from pampers to public dampers. After recently announcing, “We are not going to give up on destroying the healthcare system”, his ratings went through the roof– taking with it your average American’s basic personal rights. Rya…

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Profiles of our beloved supreme leaders – Kim Jong-Un, Paul Ryan and Chris Brown
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One more thing...

Local and independent journalism is under threat in the West and you can change that.  With corporate raiders slashing newsrooms across the West, the PULP is one of the "Last Locals" in Colorado to produce original, compelling journalism missing in today's profit hungry world. But that costs money, time and hard work. We don't believe in spamming you with ads that's why we need your help.

For every contribution, we put 100% back into producing original and amazing journalism. That's a promise only a local and independent newsroom can promise. Take heart because you will fuel stories just like this one and the future of journalism.
Continue Reading

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Talking to the ‘that’s what she said’ girl at your mom’s house

Her name is Lauretta Scapini, and she is the “she” of “that’s what she said.” I ask her the hard questions.

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I recently sat down with a woman we all know, but few would actually recognize. Her name is Lauretta Scapini, and she is the “she” of “that’s what she said.” I ask her the hard questions.  

Iceburg: Hi Lauretta, thank you so much for meeting me today.

Lauretta Scapini: Of course, thank you for having me.

Ice-B: That’s what she said. 

LS: Yes, yes it i…

!– BEGIN THEIA POST SLIDER —

I recently sat down with a woman we all know, but few would actually recognize. Her name is Lauretta Scapini, and she is the “she” of “that’s what she said.” I ask her the hard questions.  

Iceburg: Hi Lauretta, thank you so much for meeting me today.

Lauretta Scapini: Of course, thank you for having me.

Ice-B: That’s what she said. 

LS: Yes, yes it is. 

Ice-B: Nice. So how did this whole thing get started? How have you taken the blame for so much, and please excuse my lack of decorum, but sluttiness?

LS: That’s a great question, thank you. Well, as many people probably know, the phrase “that’s what she said” gained tremendous popularity on the NBC hit show The Office. You know the one where the boss tries to screw over his employees?

Ice-B: That’s wh- um of course.

LS: I knew some of the guys on the set, you know, as a woman in my profession would–

Ice-B: Which would be what, exactly?

LS: Isn’t it obvious? I make wax sticks to light on fire. I’m a candlestick maker. 

Ice-B: Excuse me?

LS: It’s a very erotic field, and I mean come on, look at me. I’m a California “10,” which is like a New Mexico “87.” Don’t take it wrong.

Ice-B: None taken. So tell me more about being a candlestick maker and how that brought you to work with set guys at The Office.

LS: I’ve always been fascinated by my ability to mold wax into shapes, then just watch it burn. The scent combinations is probably the most exciting part of it. Anyway. I had a series of videos that were posted on YouTube that have since been removed where I walked the audience through the process of making candles, step by step. I know how men — and even some women — look at me, so I knew the best way for me to really market myself and my candles would be…

Thanks for reading this short excerpt from the paid post! Fancy buying it to read all of it?

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This article
Talking to the ‘that’s what she said’ girl at your mom’s house
0.24
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Powered by

One more thing...

Local and independent journalism is under threat in the West and you can change that.  With corporate raiders slashing newsrooms across the West, the PULP is one of the "Last Locals" in Colorado to produce original, compelling journalism missing in today's profit hungry world. But that costs money, time and hard work. We don't believe in spamming you with ads that's why we need your help.

For every contribution, we put 100% back into producing original and amazing journalism. That's a promise only a local and independent newsroom can promise. Take heart because you will fuel stories just like this one and the future of journalism.
Continue Reading

One more thing...

Local and independent journalism is under threat in the West and you can change that.  With corporate raiders slashing newsrooms across the West, the PULP is one of the "Last Locals" in Colorado to produce original, compelling journalism missing in today's profit hungry world. But that costs money, time and hard work. We don't believe in spamming you with ads and that's why we need your help.

For every contribution, we put 100% back into producing original and amazing journalism. That's a promise only a local and independent newsroom can promise. Take heart because you will fuel stories just like this one and the future of journalism.

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