February 2010

Happy New Year to all my single bros out in P.U.L.P. land. Kiss anyone as the ball dropped? Either way, that’s old news. It’s time to face the hangover and live through one of Dante’s circles of hell.

February may be the worst month of the year for a single dude. Summed up in one word: Valentine’s Day. This day, crafted by the devil herself, can literally bring you to tears. Tears of joy that you don’t need to drop any cash in a vain attempt at garnering the affections of a sweetheart.

Or tears of sorrow at being alone. Tears for that lost love you once had but let go for a reason you don’t even remember now. Tears as you imagine that it was you, not some rich dentist, in that family photo with her and two perfect kids—the one with the Golden Retriever where everyone looks clean and happy and you all wear matching outfits; you on the trips to Mexico just because; you and the picket fence and the riding mower and the camping trips where you eat s’mores.

Yep, you, instead of sitting alone in an apartment in a crap neighborhood with your crap car, crying at the edge of your twin bed for seventeen hours with an empty handle of cheap gin and a blank stare on your face and with no food in the fridge, no friends coming over for a barbecue, no presents on Christmas and no one remembering your birthday. Nope, just empty beer cans and pizza boxes.

Oh well, we can’t all be astronauts. And, we can’t all find true love. So see where you fit into the following Bro-tegories and remember March will be here soon.

Single and looking to mingle

OK, this isn’t so bad. Valentine’s Day is awesome. Early Spring Fever is getting people ready to party. You can go out with a different girl five nights in a row and see which one has the most to offer. This is easier than it sounds; if there’s anything more desperate than a dude not wanting to be alone on V-Day, it’s a chick not wanting to be alone on V-Day.

Girls hold all the cards most of the time: calling all the shots, telling you where you can go and for how long. But, in this one case, girls are a predictable lot. With flowers, chocolate, a necklace from Kmart, and a million compliments about every aspect of their being, you’re floating in their good graces until the compliments run out.

Once you settle on a girl to spend V-Day with, forget the fancy restaurants and go for some home cookin’. Stick to the basics: boil pasta and open a jar of Ragu. BINGO—pisgetti dinner! Add wine and bone.

Single and I’m keeping it that way

Well, not that bad either. But, don’t pretend that you wouldn’t rather be smoochin’ on some hot mama, snuggling with you getting to be the big spoon. Anyway, get yourself to a bar frequented by single dudes and drink the day away. Take a cab home. When everyone (or no one) asks what you did for V-Day, you can give’em the ol’, “Man, I had a blast!” line of crap.

I am totally hearing you about not having a girlfriend for V-Day though—it’s a made-up holiday designed to get you to part with the money you were saving for weed. Stay tuned next time when I explain how to get past “friend” status with that hot girl you saw at the coffee shop art opening.

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