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BiffCo Enterprises to relocate toxic waste facility to Pueblo, Mattel Hoverboards say no to city

In a major score for Pueblo’s economy, BiffCo Entreprises announced Wednesday it will relocate its toxic materials processing plant to Pueblo. The move, from Hill Valley, California, is expected to bring 20,000 high-paying jobs to the Pueblo economy.

“This gets us closer to our goal of going back to a 1985 economy,” said Jack Rink, Executive Director of Pueblo Economic Development Corporation.

Biff Tannen, the self-made gambling magnate and President and CEO of BiffCo who is called “the luckiest man on earth”, told the crowd of politicians, community leaders and marijuana smokers, “I’m just going to say one thing, shut up and give me your money Pueblo.”

The project is being funded with a $150 million loan from the city’s half-cent fund.

The 20,000 new high-paying, part-time jobs will pay on average $3.35 per hour.

Pueblo County Commissioner Sal Pace said of the wages, “Do you know how many Huey Lewis and the News cassettes you can buy for $3.35? You could buy ‘Fore’ and ‘Sports.’ I recommend ‘Fore’, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is “Hip to be Square”, a song so catchy, most people probably don’t listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it’s not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it’s also a personal statement about the band itself.”

When asked about bringing BiffCo Entreprises to Pueblo, Pueblo City Council Member, Chris Nicoll told PULP, “What did you expect, a DeLorean factory?”

Critics call this another step backwards for the Pueblo economy.

Greg Severance, former Pueblo County Transportation Director, sent out 27,921 faxes claiming “PEDCO is driving Pueblo right into the back of the manure truck.”

PEDCO also announced Wednesday they were unable to attract Mattel to relocate its hoverboard factory to Pueblo.

“Mattel executives told us, they didn’t want to move here because School District 60 doesn’t serve Domino’s dehydrated pizzas.” said Rink.

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Written by John Rodriguez

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Publisher of PULP.

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