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August 2017 Horoscopes

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19

Your ruling planet Saturn will cease its retrograde on June 24th and begin a long journey towards Capricorn, this will be Facebook official on December 20th, 2017.  Networking and expanding your circle should be number one on your to-do-list. Your social circle and the chance of making life-changing network connections couldn’t be better. There is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius on August 7th and a New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Leo on August 21st. Make sure to protect your ojos.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on August 7th is in your sign Aquarius. The Full Moon is an excellent time to receive the gifts you so-earnestly deserve (or just take what you want). It is also a perfect time to let go of anything holding you back e.g. your “girlfriend”, it’s almost football and video game season. It is not a good time to let go of your spine, which is holding your back, proceed with caution (and an aspirin). Like Capricorn, your ruler Saturn will stop the retrograde motion in our sky and start to make its journey into the capricious goat (sounds scandalous). You’ve had plenty of time to think things through, aim your vision big and shoot for the stars. Just do it, ya soft Nancy.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I peered into a crystal ball online and it showed me that the best day for you this month is August 27th when Jupiter sextiles Saturn. Neptune is retrograde so the entirety of August may feel like the love baby of M.C. Escher and M. Night Shamalamadingdong. There is both a Lunar and Solar Eclipse this month, which only heightens the probability of that previously mentioned freaky scenario. My advice is to prescribe to the unusual; say, “no” when you’d say, “yes”. Say yes when you’d say, “no.” Do you not disagree? Yeah, right.

Aries 3/21 – 4/19

Uranus will be retrograde in Aries on August 4th, to those unfamiliar with astrology this could sound like a frightfully painful situation. That day could be described like running backwards through a cornfield with your pants down while listening to Pantera vs. Cotton-Eyed Joe at 150 bpm while a midget-err little person, dressed as a clown chases you yelling, “come here, Elizabeth” even though that’s not your name. Some may enjoy this, and some may find it incredibly uncomfortable. Mercury will retrograde in fellow fire sign Leo, so batten down the hatches of communication.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20

August is dominated by the elements of fire and air. You are an Earth sign ruled by Venus and she enters Leo (fire) on August 26th. Balance the trio with water, and you’ll be good to go. Prepare for your love to be unyielding, fiery, and ravenous. Gather fuel for your embers in the days preparing for this alignment of the great cosmos. Like the poet Rumi once said, “set yourself on fire, seek those who fan your flames.” The energy coming from this transition is hot, dramatic, and enthusiastic. This is surely to be a time of great vitality and don’t call me surely. Have fun with this one.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/21

Gemini, oh Gemini. There isn’t much going on in your sign this month. You could and should settle down the twins, who were gone with the wind in June and July. Shut up and kiss reality, you fool. This August your face may resemble a chipmunk, since your mouth sword may be tongue-in-cheek. My neighbor’s cousin’s fortune cookie said that you should get all major communications cleared prior to August 31st, which is when your ruling sign (Mercury) goes retrograde in the wrath of Leo. Roar. Also your lucky numbers this month are 1, 2, 3, ready, set, go.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/22

Is it called cannibalism if a Cancer eats Crab? I Googled that question and I received no answers. But I did get put on a watchlist, so thank you. This month can be life-changing. You are ruled by the Moon and like a sexy pair of jeans, it’s fitting in all the right places (I just learned that statement could be harassment, or herassment in the workplace, I didn’t fully hear Debra at the PR meeting. Thanks Debra). Anyway, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on August 7th and a New Moon Total Solar Eclipse on August 21st. Eclipses mark the beginning and the end, and two in one month could be the end of the beginning.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22

Happy birthday, Leo! Yep, still your birthday month and it’s still due to multiple planetary alignments circumnavigating towards your fervent constellation! You’ve got the: New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Leo, Venus entering Leo, Mercury Retrograde in what?! You guessed it! Leo! Not to mention Mars is in a sign that rhymes with Cleo (hint: not Neo). When?!  Right now!  What does it all mean?! I don’t know… you tell me. Life is subjective anyway, but you’re the mane dish in August, always.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22

Hey Virgo, it’s yo birthday. Go Virgo, it’s your birthday, you should party like it’s yo birthday. You should sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday, because after September 22nd, I’m gonna say, “it’s not your birthday.” There is a lot happening in the way of Virgo this month. Your ruling planet, Mercury (God of Communication) begins its retrograde cycle in your sign on August 12th, and then goes full-on Leo status on August 31st. Like the wise Kimya D. sang, “ Loose lips might sink ships but loose kisses take trips. To San Francisco, double dutch disco, Tech TV hottie, do it for Scotty. Do it for the living and do it for the dead. Do it for the monsters under your bed. Do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom. Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong.”

Libra 9/23 – 10/22

Libra, you are a Libra, very good job Libra. I kind of heard that in my head being said by the POTUS. Take that as you will. There are two Eclipses in August, so you’re getting cut quite the deal. On August 7th, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius and on August 21st there is a New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Leo. All signs will definitely be feeling the dark side of the moon. This month begs you, and your fellow earthlings to honor the darkness and to bring that which lurks in the shadows to light.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21

No major transits occur in your sign this month. This is not a good thing nor a bad thing, it just is. Sometimes it’s nice to have a neutral month that lacks intensity and apathy. Your ruling planet, Mars is in Leo so you may have a little more ‘oomph’ in your step; a little more ‘ineffable’ in your presence. If August were a dance, it would be the Salsa–stepping forward with your left foot, leaning back on your right foot, stepping back with your left foot, etc. If August were a fictitious film character it would be none other than Marla Hooch, what a hitter. What a game, but Scorpio’s, playing baseball? *wink*wink*wince*

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21

Sagittarius. Yo, girl, we need to get real (boys need not get offensive, just go with it)…okay, nevermind. Strike that. Reverse it. The dog days of summer are here and things may start getting especially steamy (or moist) on August 26th when Venus enters fellow fire sign, Leo. Don’t let the pride of this alignment get in the way of greatness. There lay a tremendous power in surrender, succumb. Don’t deny that which has been present, all the more do not acknowledge that which has been lacking. Do or do not, there is no try.

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